she brings out the monster in me, but i have alternate tactics...bitch
i'm awake.it's illegaly early for a sunday.
na.na.na.
i couldn't sleep, as i am having brunch with my brother and his bernie today....
anxiety attack abound.
bernie is what i call his girl, that's right, because i am mean and rotten and proud of it.
and she looks like a bernie.
and so, i'm anxious.
i walk to my coffee pot.
i walk to my rommates computer.
msn.com is featuring an article this morning: 'want to get married: 7 tips for finding 'the one' online'
can we effing please?
i'll run thru the tips, all 7 of them - to get you married, today!
shite!
shite!
because you know, you only need 7 tips to get yourself into marriage and then into a hot divorce mess these days...
*and this is a tribute to my bromax and bernie because it reminded me of them...(except they did not meet online...she just did this on her own accord. she's ahead of the times. had these 7 tips already planted in that dome of hers - before msn even knew about them. i wouldn't be surprised if that douche wrote this article.)
let's go...
1) put it out for the world to see, post it in that profile girls, let errybody know you want to get hitched
*translation: appear to be a desperate housewife
2) courtship means letting the man email you first
*translation: you're crutched and afraid of rejection so you're lazy and effed and think: 'imma let him do all the work because tradition and male contact first always makes things right'
3) no hokey pokey until you know he's the one that makes the wedding chimes ding ever so soflty in your dream-filled head
*translation: be a prude, not a tartlet because chaste girls win and ho-bags lose.
4) date 3 or more men/people (if your temps) at a time
*translation: date men, date women, don't sleep with any of them...while you're waiting for that first one you originally fancied; to take you to fortunoff...to get you a ring...after you haven't even put out...
5) (can you believe we're on 5! only a few more!) go on multiple dates with someone - 2, 3 - give the person a shot
*tranlation: hi, i'm lynn and i'm so very much in need of being wed - so imma keep dating you just because time is winding down on me and even though i can't picture myself riding you - i'll keep dating you anyway because you seem like you might cave in and propose to me if i give you enough grief
6) talk about marriage, go ahead, bring it up - once you think you've found 'the one'
*translation: throughout all of your dates and courtship you've appeared to be completely lucid and now that you have him, it's ok to be psychotic and demanding
7) (can you breathe, i can barely breathe!) KEEP BRINGING IT UP!
*translation: drive him insane, until he caves, make that man propose to you! you found a weak one, ladies! congratulations! that way in 10 years, he shows up with a jones for a 25 year old hot bodied bimbo - and you're left out on long island with 3 kids and a husband that can't get it up for you...
i don't know about you, but imma try this today.
i'll let you know where i'm at in one week.
i'll let you know what happens to my brother in 10 years.
posted by tinamarie @ 7:14 AM
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