the breaking point
i've been holding it down.sucking it up.
living a life without nerve.
until about 2 days ago.
i was clean for almost 4 months until i took a snort.
i'm hooked.
2 words...
fuck me.
please.
it started off much the same...
i was amped for my first date back in action (mind you, i have been dating...off of match...which led me back to nerve...what a tangled web...)
we met up in union square.
(mental note: bad things happen in union square)
i didn't recognize him at first....
shy, seemingly nice, tall, soft spoken...
we walk in to a bar on irving...
a bar all too familiar to me, as i'd attended my last nerve date - 4 months prior - at that same spot.
we sat at the same booth; in the exact same seats i sat in the last time.
my last date worked in food and went in to commercial real estate, so did this cat from wednesday night.
all too strange, all too familiar.
both men were oddly similar.
let's call duder from 4 months ago, chuck and wednesday's wonder - juan...
chuck was funny, juan was slightly serious.
conversation with both was one in the same.
good, not stellar...good enough to possibly put the idea in my head: "hey, maybe i could go out with him again..."
here's where i trick myself...read...
chuck removed his profile 2 days after our date.
there was never another date.
not enough time for me to even write the "i had a nice time" email.
juan...
for juan i wrote the note...
i wasn't swooning over him, i wasn't even in a smallish state of like...
but i did the deed. i convinced myself he was great, and that i was poop...
sometimes i do this...i think i'm unattractive and undesirable and i tell myself that i am.
so, i emailed him - had a nice time...
he said he did too - but didn't feel that connection...
fuck me...
i didn't feel the connection either, but it's that sick hope that i might find it that makes me write that fucking email to say i had a good time. it's my total poop on me way of looking at shit that makes me stumble...
what about the human condition allows us to willingly lie to ourselves...over and over and over again?
thank you, juan - for being honest.
now i feel honest with myself.
i didn't like you. i wanted to like someone...someone who i wanted to like me back.
and i convinced myself, for a short while, that no one makes you swoon...but you're supposed to gush...
and feel that awful word...a connection.
posted by tinamarie @ 4:36 PM
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