No Nerve, Never

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

more disturbing tales...

2 Disturbing Tales:

1. i love to wear dresses. i hate to wear underwear. i hate, more than underwear and bras, pantyhose. if i were to rule the world, asses and titties would be swinging 24/7 - 365, bitches. but, i don't - so we all live a life of being binded, in one way or another. i love that men think women in dresses are so sexy and lucious. i mean we are, and the aforementioned may be true if you're thin - but if you can't fake the funk on the chunk or if you're a normal braod who likes to be comfortable - there's nothing less sexy. i was getting dressed for work the other morning, and i don't know if it was the angle; or the fact that i was contorting my body in 90 ways to get some hosiery up my thighs - but it was not cute. and, by not cute...i mean if i have a date and i know there's any possibility i'm to get laid, i'm not wearing a dress or skirt with hose. unless it's summer...but then there's chaffing, and i'm sure i'll be talking about that in 2 months. i'll give it til april.

2. i was in h&m trying on skinny jeans. why? you ask...it's because i was looking for an early halloween costume and decided instead of going as wonder woman, i would go as a human sausage. those things are miserable. how the hell do people wear them? i slid them on, and by slid them on - i mean please refer to pantyhose rant - as skinny jeans are nothing but hot, swampy, denim woven hosiery...

i look ok when i'm all cased up...in a dress, in denim. try getting me naked and it's like fighting to remove the jaws of life. i had never, in my 27 years, experienced jeans being so tight around my ankles and entire calf region. it all seemed so wrong. illegal. like a bad nightmare. i imagined myself - all cuted up for a nerve date. the perfect lie, in my push-up bra - ass packed skinny jeans - and some high boots...only to be unwrapped savagely (and by that i mean dude is calling 911 to get back up - to back my junk out of these jeans so he can get some). not that heat of the moment unwrapped, but that awkward "oh my god, it's taking him forever to get me undressed and this is so not hot anymore" - kinda jam. that why am i doing this; why the eff did i wear this (can be equated with that feeling i get when i find myself at the gap at 10:30 on a monday morning because i thought some ill ensemble was a good idea - but i end up changing mid-day). if you're unfamiliar with this, good for you. if you have a belly, wear padded bras, hate pantyhose because they suck you in so much you now look like you're housing an entire bakery all up in your midsection - then thank you. thank you for understanding why it's so difficult to pick out that perfect date outfit and why i have no effing clue what to wear to work this morning...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

disturbing: capitulo tres

1. being on top during sex
2. being on top during sex in the morning (natural light + morning after hangover face = disaster; for me at least)
3. get me while i'm double d-ing (drunk and in the dark) - all body issues go out the window - one would think i was some sort of bedroom diva
4. getting busy while watching a Disney movie
5. making new year's plans
6. thought nothing was better than the words douche baggery - until i was on the tele with the bestie and i came out with cock knockery
*don't know that #6 is really disturbing - but i'm a chick and i say shit like douchey, vag, pussy corner - one might find it - well - disturbing. so, #6 is repping for bitches that find my language less than tolerable; thereby making it disturbing.
*only my friends read this and, by now, they know that i'm nothing but a crutched up douchey ass guidette bitch.
*happy new year

Monday, December 24, 2007

disturbing: part deux

1. getting old on the internet. literally, watching my own - and the age of others - increase over the years. i was once 22. i'm now turning 28. some dates seem like yesterday, but they really happened 3 years ago. time freaks me out.

2. i make fun of short men. short men tend to like me; in all of my curvy and womanly glory. i think it might have something to do with being smothered or mothered - maybe both...i can't figure it out. i call myself a heightest - but the truth - i've deduced - is that i actually like a short man. apparently, i have some closet fetish for a smallish humping baby seal - if you will. it's sort of like how men make fun of fat girls, but in reality - they're aching to bang the fat girl. growing up, my next door neighbor made fun of me for being the fat girl. he ended up marrying a 6'2" big girl, that little lanky turd. it's all starting to make sense; to really come together. i think i'm understanding men and myself - a little more everyday.

3. i was listening to jeff buckley in the shower yesterday. thank christ the lady bic was no where near me...as i officially decided that "lover you should've come over" is undoubtedly the most painful 6 minutes and 41 seconds a woman can experience while trying to cleanse and relax her inner being.

4. about a month ago a co-worker asked me if he could have an extra ticket to take some girl to an event we were hosting. i said: "why'd you want want to do that? don't pussy corner yourself by bringing a date to the party. there's gonna be a ton of ass to be had." and have ass he did. now i'm grossed out that i gave such good advice.

Friday, December 21, 2007

disturbing...

1. men who put bare-chested photos of themselves on the interweb
*i find it creepy
*i just don't understand it
*it's not sexy
*let me go out on a date with you; and then i'll decide if i want to see you in all of your bare-chested glory

2. i recently stopped eating meat, dairy, eggs - in an effort to balance my hormonal beast
*it's working
*i'm shocked
*i'm happy
*i wonder if i'll ever chow down on a piece of skirt seak ever again

3. men, women and the word friendship
*i'm completely confused
*i'm not completely opposed
*i'm sort of unaware as to how to be a man's friend at this point in my life; and how i'm supposed to deny carnal desire
*i'm wishing it was all easier

Friday, July 27, 2007

the breaking point

i've been holding it down.
sucking it up.
living a life without nerve.
until about 2 days ago.
i was clean for almost 4 months until i took a snort.
i'm hooked.
2 words...
fuck me.

please.

it started off much the same...
i was amped for my first date back in action (mind you, i have been dating...off of match...which led me back to nerve...what a tangled web...)

we met up in union square.
(mental note: bad things happen in union square)

i didn't recognize him at first....
shy, seemingly nice, tall, soft spoken...
we walk in to a bar on irving...
a bar all too familiar to me, as i'd attended my last nerve date - 4 months prior - at that same spot.
we sat at the same booth; in the exact same seats i sat in the last time.
my last date worked in food and went in to commercial real estate, so did this cat from wednesday night.
all too strange, all too familiar.
both men were oddly similar.
let's call duder from 4 months ago, chuck and wednesday's wonder - juan...
chuck was funny, juan was slightly serious.
conversation with both was one in the same.
good, not stellar...good enough to possibly put the idea in my head: "hey, maybe i could go out with him again..."
here's where i trick myself...read...
chuck removed his profile 2 days after our date.
there was never another date.
not enough time for me to even write the "i had a nice time" email.
juan...
for juan i wrote the note...
i wasn't swooning over him, i wasn't even in a smallish state of like...
but i did the deed. i convinced myself he was great, and that i was poop...
sometimes i do this...i think i'm unattractive and undesirable and i tell myself that i am.
so, i emailed him - had a nice time...
he said he did too - but didn't feel that connection...
fuck me...
i didn't feel the connection either, but it's that sick hope that i might find it that makes me write that fucking email to say i had a good time. it's my total poop on me way of looking at shit that makes me stumble...
what about the human condition allows us to willingly lie to ourselves...over and over and over again?
thank you, juan - for being honest.
now i feel honest with myself.
i didn't like you. i wanted to like someone...someone who i wanted to like me back.
and i convinced myself, for a short while, that no one makes you swoon...but you're supposed to gush...
and feel that awful word...a connection.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

on domestication

i have now been living with my boyfriend for almost 2 months, officially(unofficial stats lay closer to the 3-month range). the following is what happens when a city girl moves to her hometown (on a Caribbean island that shall remain nameless), shacks up with a local, while simultaneously attempting to grieve her recently-deceased mother, get her career in order, and get used to living on the sand.

1. i got here, i moved in for the kill, i moved in. lovely man, check.
2. my mom dies, have collosal support from friends, survive mother's day. tries at well-deserved peace and quiet, check.
3. meet bf's ex, the one with the boob job, freak out, re-live psycho past. old boyfriends taught me nothing, check.
4. try to make living arrangements work, discuss marriage, adjust to the "us." grown up relationship, check.
5. cook nightly dinners, spend weekdays watching judge judy and bingeing on chocolate. lonely housewife syndrome, check.
6. take up painting, suck, take up ceramics, suck, take shitty premed classes, pass. "how i did i become the anti-me?" existential crisis, check.
7. try to get serious about school, pretend i'm a professional again, try to forget New York ever happened. complete and utter denial, check.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

status report

the emails on match have been a flowing...
here are my favorites to date (i cut and paste from match, so all spelling errors could be accounted for):

the funniest profile I've read on here. Allow me to introduce myself...
(he never even signed his name)

hello, how are you doing?
(he has the longest hair i've ever seen on a man...in my life...)

HOw are you? HOws your week goin? Just wanted to say hey and see how things are goin. HAvent heard back from you so i dont know if you were interested. I would still like to get to know you better. I'm unable to put my email on here but my AIM is xdanfmousx if you would like to contact me there.
(IM me, what are we...16?)

I will really introduce myself this time...my name is Bert. I figured you would you reply with a smart remark
(please see email #1...he finally introduced himself...sorry, bert...i'm not going to introduce myself)

I can send a pic to you, and I liked your profile. How is your weekend going? How long has your profile been posted and have you had any luck with this site?Hope to hear from you!
(no i've had no luck, and i don't want to talk about it...and put a picture up if you want me to write back...dang...i don't do the "i'll send you my pic" thing)

Ok listen are you still single? lol, I'm sure you are not, you seem to sweet and that smile. I would actually fly into town for 1 date with you. Is that crazy or what? Can't even believe I'm saying it but you only live once and you gotta go for it while you got it? Wait,.. "gotta go for it while its good". Wait,.. well you understand. I hope. lol. My name is Sean, its very nice to meet you. I have family and friends in New York so always a place to stay when I visit. However, I think I wanna know you. Is that to forward? Yea, it probably is, ok better said, I'd love to chat and see what's what. You won't last on this site too long because you seem to have a ton to offer and hopefully are as sweet as you sound and look?
(he's 18, from chicago...get a grip, this is not Love on AOL...and it's not 1996, when people did long distance interweb dating...)

how are you? That's a very funny story about getting pooped on my pigeons! Ever get crapped on while sitting inside of a moving car? I did.
( i think he wants me to crap on him...and he had no picture...ick!)

Bueno mascafeconleche...HolaQue tipo de musica sueles cantar en español? que tan mal cantas? ;) :P
(i did put that i speak spanish...not well, but i do...that little fact might have been slightly misleading on my part...however, i do understand him...but he looks like an island pimp, so i will not write back)

LOL youre an energetic one...
(contractions, contractions!!! and eff this lol bullshit...this is online dating, sure...but no emoticons or queer acronyms, please!)

salute..............how u doin......
(i'm italian, you're a thug...do not salute me)

Great profile!Would you like to chat per cellphone, as I am sure you will agree how impersonal the internet is?Regards,Peter.
(he's hot and he lives in Beverly Hills...highly dubious he even exists...if i was desperate, i would phone in for love...but i'm not...besides, there ain't no booty like local booty)

and...the winner is...

i saw you profile. here's mine. contact me. bye
(help me, baby jesus...)