i took a leave of absence
but imma check back in...um...
now...
i've been mia.
i've been a douche.
in the past 2 months, i've missed out on:
-blogging
-returning phone calls
-paying attention to my heart
all for the sake of the interweb...
i feel like saying, come on crutcha - 'the world wide will still be there tomorrow if you happen to miss a day.' myspace. nerve. they're not going anywhere. the web is here to stay.
but no.
i troll with no emotion, like a crackwhore who needs a fix.
addicted to hotlisting, who's viewing my profile, make profile preferences annonymous (so the cats you date or have dated have no effing clue you're stalking them), who's my newest match, let me upload some more pictures and change my profile headline...
it's a whole other language.
a whole new set of dating skills...
i let this rule my school... and that ain't right...
it's not happening this way.
at least not for me...
i know it. i can feel it. i never felt it more than i did last night.
i know what the problem is...
no one genuine. no one with the heart i want.
last night i sat in a beautiful hotel bar.
i sat in a beautiful hotel bar with one very attractive man
i could tell he thought he was highly attractive, for his was a strong interweb breed of educated male with fantastic physique. and in his 'who i'd like to meet section,' he noted: seeking woman with brains, beauty, bank account and a love for the arts.
and that's fine. in fact, that's wonderful.
in fact, i have bits of those qualities.
in fact, we even kissed...
it was nice. and he's someone i could have brought myself to engage in carnal sex with...had i had enough to drink - and had i not been so turned off by his shit faced grin and macho poser douchebaggery...
too much was missing.
not enough there.
i've been horny horny helen for a while now, but i can't bring myself to boning unless there's at least a little sumpin' sumpin' behind it.
so, internal monologue is going something like...i kissed him, i bet he's quite astute in the art of other fashions involving proper mouth placement. he's funny...enough. a little too on his game, with the can i kiss you? would it be ok if i kissed you?
and he had on a tiffany ring.
i have the same one.
which, the thought of that now...completely turns my stomach.
i like me a man with style, grace and groom...
there's no mistaking that...
but i don't want to be distracted by jewelry - so unnecessary.
the conversation was ok. normal first date banter - but i couldn't do it any longer.
i think going home and eating a poundcake over project runway would have made me feel more accomplished on a wednesday evening.
i was completely turned off by the time he walked me to the train.
because he went on...
hey you know, i know a lot of people in new york. you know, a lot. i bet while i'm walking you to the train - you know - i bet i bump into someone i know. ny is so tiny to me, i - yeah - i just know so many people.
i almost effing choked.
his walk was cocky, not confident.
his words suggested wanting something, and it wasn't me - as in the person me.
and that's not good enough.
he told me he would love to see me again next week.
i replied, 'i would love to.'
i didn't have the energy to deal with an explanation - especially after i had a make-out session with him in some nice hotel bar. i couldn't even tell the waitress his last name when i asked for the bill (he started the tab...and she said to me 'that's awesome' when i appeared clueless). it didn't seem awesome. any of it. hardly.
posted by tinamarie @ 7:33 AM
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